So according to my outline, I’m halfway through my latest novel. And so if this entry seems to lack it’s usual up-with-writingness, that’s because I always fall a little in hate with my books when they get to this point.
The whole thing feels adrift and though I keep on reassuring myself that everything (or at least most things) can and will be fixed in the minimum four rewrites that I do of every book, it seems that the demons get louder the closer I get to any goal. And this being my second women’s fiction novel, they seem to be particularly obnoxious.
You only have one book in you! You’re trying to do too much. You’re not doing enough. This is derivative. This is too different. Why can’t you write better? Doesn’t it bother you that you totally suck at the only thing you’re any good at?
Seriously, if a man treated me like my demons treat me, I would dump him … and get a restraining order. And quite frankly, I wonder how other writers get through this bit.
I know how I get through it — basically I feel like I have no other choice due to being talented at absolutely nothing else. You know how some writers have all sort of other talents? Well, I’m not one of those writers. It literally feels like I’m slogging through a humid Florida swamp and if I want to make it out alive, I just have to keep on going OR I WILL DIE.
Also, weirdly enough, writing is the only thing that takes my mind off the fear of not being a good writer.
Funny coincidence, I’m also halfway to my New Year’s Resolution of losing forty pounds, and it’s the exact same thing, except exercising is the only thing that quiets those demons.
It’s almost like you know you’re doing something right, when the voices in your head start insisting that your doing everything wrong. Hmm…
Well in that case, welcome back demons!
Ernessa T. Carter is the author of the novel, 32 CANDLES, which will be released by HarperCollins/Amistad on June 22, 2010. Pre-order your copy on Amazon here.
Photo Credit: Rusty Boxcars